When Is It Okay to Go Back to a Narcissistic Ex-Spouse?

Divorce is rarely straightforward, but separating from a narcissistic spouse takes complexity to an entirely different level. Even after ending the relationship, the question of getting back together or reconciling sometimes lingers in a corner of your mind. You might wonder, "Is it possible for things to be different this time?" or "Am I wrong for thinking about going back?" These thoughts are natural and very common, and you shouldn’t feel ashamed for having them. However, it’s important to approach this question with self-compassion and a clear understanding of the risks that arise when going back to a narcissistic ex-spouse. In general, giving a narcissistic ex-spouse another chance is not advised, but it might be worth thinking things over from a few angles first.

Narcissists Always Try to Make You Return

Narcissistic ex-spouses can make it incredibly hard to leave, and, for many, they make it even harder to stay away. Narcissists are skilled manipulators who create emotional bonds designed to keep their partners feeling trapped and dependent, even after a separation.

They may play the victim, promising change and voicing their regrets in a way that tugs at your emotions. Statements like “I’ve learned my lesson,” or “I can’t live without you” might be used, tempting you to give them another chance. But make no mistake, these tactics aren’t rooted in genuine self-reflection or growth; they’re often part of a cycle of control. Narcissists thrive in environments where their needs are prioritized above all else, and restarting a relationship only reopens the door to the dynamics you worked so hard to escape.

Despite all this, it’s common to feel uncertainty. Many people experience conflicted emotions about someone they once loved, particularly when the narcissist has instilled self-doubt, guilt, or longing. Such feelings don’t make you weak or wrong; they’re a reflection and result of the manipulation narcissists use to keep themselves central to your life.

Listen to Yourself

Before you make any decisions about getting back together with a narcissistic ex-spouse, reflect on your own feelings and instincts.

Tune out external noise and ask yourself candid questions like:

• Why am I considering going back?
• Have they done anything to truly address the behaviors that led to the breakup?
• Am I seeking reconciliation out of love, or because of fear, guilt, or loneliness?
• Will going back protect or harm my mental and emotional well-being?

Asking questions that only you can answer can provide valuable clarity. Remember, you’ve already been in a relationship with this person once, so you know what they’re really like. Your instincts should not be dismissed. If something feels off or you’re questioning whether things will be better, don’t overlook it.

Listen to Others, Too

Although self-reflection is key, you don’t have to carry the weight of this decision alone. Speaking with trusted friends, family members, or support groups can provide a perspective unclouded by emotional attachment. Others may notice patterns or risks you haven’t fully processed yet and can offer grounded advice rooted in your best interests.

Furthermore, family therapists can help you understand the psychological ties at play, including the manipulative tactics often used by narcissists. Therapy can provide tools to break unhealthy emotional cycles, helping you feel empowered in your decisions.

Risks of Restarting a Relationship with a Narcissist

Reconnecting with a narcissistic ex-spouse almost always comes with significant risks, such as:

• Restarting the cycle of manipulation: Narcissists are rarely capable of the deep self-awareness and genuine effort required for meaningful change unless they have undergone significant therapy. While they may temporarily appear apologetic or attentive, these behaviors often fade, giving way to the same patterns of control, criticism, and manipulation.
• Stifling your healing: Rebuilding your life after divorce takes time, effort, and self-discovery. Getting back together can stunt this growth, dragging you back into a dynamic that undermines your independence and confidence.
• Causing long-term mental and emotional harm: Narcissistic relationships often involve emotional abuse, gaslighting, or other harmful behaviors. Returning to this environment can deepen wounds that haven’t fully healed, making it harder to regain personal stability and happiness.

Remember: Don’t Feel Ashamed

It’s important to address the shame or self-blame you might feel when contemplating going back to a narcissistic ex-spouse. Narcissists are highly skilled at planting seeds of doubt and guilt in their former partners. They might say things to make you feel responsible for the relationship’s failure or that only you can help them fix their lives. This is not your burden to bear.

Wanting to return doesn’t make you less strong or less capable. It highlights the emotional complexity of these relationships and the intentional, damaging ways narcissists maintain their influence. Being kind to yourself during this process is just as important as carefully evaluating your options.

You Probably Shouldn’t Give a Narcissist a Second or Third Chance

The truth is, in most cases, returning to a narcissistic ex-spouse is not advisable. Even if you really want some sort of reconciliation, the chances of the relationship being different this time are slim. Lasting change isn’t achieved through promises or temporary shifts in behavior; it requires deep, consistent effort and accountability, qualities that are not hallmarks of narcissistic personalities or people who have been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.

If you do consider reconciliation, it should only be if your safety, emotional well-being, and independence can be guaranteed—which is rarely possible in these scenarios.

Have Related Legal Questions? Call Our Firm

Choosing not to return to a narcissistic ex-spouse isn’t just about avoiding harm; it’s about choosing yourself, your healing, and your future. Ending a cycle of manipulation is a powerful act of self-respect, and with time, it opens doors to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

At Gill Law Group, PC, we understand the toll these relationships take and the difficult decisions they force you to confront. If you want to divorce a narcissist but don’t know where to start or what can happen once you do, please come to our firm. We have intentionally focused much of our practice on complex divorce and family law cases involving people with personality disorders, so you can trust your sensitive case with us.