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Four Ds of Narcissism: Deny, Dismiss, Devalue & Divorce

As we discussed in an earlier blog post, there’s nothing easy about being married to a narcissist. That is why being married to one often leads to divorce. In fact, narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and divorce are so commonly paired together, we’re going to go ahead and coin a new phrase that outlines how narcissism can do so much damage to marital relationships.

The Four Ds of Narcissism:

  • Deny: People with NPD often deny pretty much anything that could put them in a negative light. This often comes up in marital arguments when the narcissist goes too far. They say something cruel and uncalled for, and then deny that they ever said that thing, even though their spouse heard it loud and clear.
  • Dismiss: If a narcissist can’t outright deny something, then they will just dismiss it, which is like the cousin of denial. Did your NPD spouse spend too much money on sports paraphernalia last week and now you’re worried about making that car payment? According to them, you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, even if you have financial records showing you’re running the risk of going into the red.
  • Devalue: When faced with someone with “too much” self-confidence, a narcissist gets scared because they secretly don’t have any for themselves. In this situation, they will try to devalue their spouse as much as possible. A narcissist will talk down to their spouse to make them doubt themselves and feel less valuable to the relationship. One tactic that they use to do this is to create a new narrative to a situation or argument that allows them to frame it in a way that makes them seem like they’re in the right.
  • Divorce: To get away from a spouse with NPD, the only option is often to divorce them. People who want to divorce a narcissist should not feel guilty, no matter how much their narcissist spouse would love it if they felt guilty every moment of their life. Narcissism inflicts emotional abuse, sometimes unintentionally. No one deserves to live with abuse each day. Protect yourself and your family by filing for divorce if it seems like the right way forward!

Beware a Narcissist’s Apologies

If you hand your NPD spouse divorce papers, then you can be certain that they are going to try to find a way to manipulate you into changing your mind. They will probably do this by offering you an apology but watch out! It won’t be the same type of apology you will get from someone without NPD. It will be a narcissist’s apology, which is designed to make you feel bad instead of feeling vindicated.

They will probably act like they are the worst person on the entire planet and don’t deserve your love anymore. Or they will try to act like they are defective and somehow cannot be blamed for what they’ve said and done. Even if some narcissists are experiencing a mental health difficulty, it is unfair to you to allow them complete amnesty to the consequences of their actions, so don’t buy into this act. It is just that, after all: an act.

When you hand them your divorce papers, be sure you know to expect those three other Ds: deny, dismiss, and devalue. Stand steadfast in your decision to start the fourth D. If you need help with this process or you’re worried that you could be manipulated by your narcissist spouse when serving the divorce papers and going through the divorce, then you should team up with a divorce attorney now.

If you’re planning to divorce a narcissist in Orange County, call (888) 392-1941 to connect with Gill Law Group, PC. Our lawyers are here to help with all parts of your divorce case and to give you genuine moral support in this tough time. Get your complimentary case evaluation today.